A Guide to Godly Confrontation
Remember the Goal: Reconciliation
Sometimes confrontation only makes problems worse, and what we truly need is patience and grace. Be wise with your timing and your words. Saying the right thing at the wrong time or in the wrong way can do more damage than good.
Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Confrontation
Where Is My Heart?
If you’re ready, you’re not ready.
Don’t confront out of an emotional reaction. If you’re excited to confront, wait.
What is my motivation? Reconciliation, correction, or condemnation?
Is my heart humble or prideful?
Am I being overly critical?
Am I taking responsibility for what I have done wrong?
If you are hurt, settle your feelings with God before the confrontation. You may also need to talk through it with a trusted friend or mentor beforehand.
Don’t confront others to make yourself feel better. It’s not about you.
How Deep Is Our Relationship?
How much influence do I have?
The deeper the relationship, the greater the responsibility you have to do something, and also the more likely they will listen.
If you don’t think they’ll listen to you, maybe there is someone closer to them you can reach out to. Confront the person together, but be careful to avoid gossip.
Where Is Their Heart?
Apathetic or Teachable?
If they are apathetic (don’t care) or become aggressive, retreat. Don’t force it. You cannot help somebody if they’re unwilling to listen or don’t want to change.
However, most people are resistant to change and confrontation at first. Don’t give up until it’s clear that their resistance is more than just their initial reaction to defend themselves, but rather a condition of the heart.
Tips For Confrontation
Be Honest and Direct, But Don’t Accuse.
Be real. Communicate the problem clearly, but don’t judge. Always be motivated by love, and remember that the goal is reconciliation.
“We” Not “You”
The goal is not correction, but reconciliation. We must recognize our role in the problem and the solution. If you’re not willing to stay and fight for them–if you’re not fully committed to seeing the relationship reconciled–don’t confront them.
Don’t Give a Solution Before They Understand the Problem
Help them to understand the problem by asking questions. It might take them a while to understand, probably many days or even longer depending on the problem. That’s okay. Remember, you’ve spent much time thinking and preparing to confront them, but this is may be the first time they’ve thought about it.
If you try to give a solution before they understand the problem, their heart will become hard, and they will feel attacked. Even after they understand the problem, it will probably take a while for God to change their heart and fully reconcile the issue.
The goal is reconciliation, not correction.
Protect the Relationship
If we break the relationship, we lose our influence in their life to help them later. If we handle confrontation well, our relationship will grow deeper even if they disagree and reject our help. At least we maintain our influence in his/her life and can continue to bring him/her closer to Jesus.
Don’t Confront Alone
If possible, bring a friend or co-worker with you (somebody you both know and trust). Another person provides better accountability and help, but be careful not to double-team them. Warn them that you want to discuss something important first, so they are not surprised and don’t feel attacked. However, it may not always be appropriate to bring someone. Some things are best handled 1-on-1, so use your discretion.
Not Every Offense Demands Confrontation
There are times when confrontation is necessary, but there are also times when we need to show grace and overlook an offense. Discerning when to do what is crucial, for leaning too far one way or the other will have detrimental effects on your relationships.
