Sex, Dating, And Marriage
How to Honor God in Your Relationship
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Dating
Why Do I Want to Date?
Dating–if successful–leads to marriage. If your ultimate goal is anything but marriage, you are not ready to date. Go hang out with your friends. Read a book. Marriage is the long-term goal of any godly, dating relationship.
Am I Content Being Single?
If you’re not satisfied with it being just you and Jesus, you won’t be satisfied with it being you, some girl or boy, and Jesus. Are you trying to get something (i.e. love, acceptance, peace) from a guy or girl that you should be getting from Jesus?
Am I Willing To Do the Hard Work?
A boyfriend or a girlfriend will not solve your problems; it will triple them. Are you ready and willing to do the hard work to have a healthy relationship? Are you ready to apologize and support her while she is crying because you hurt her feelings? Are you ready to sit with him and listen to him share his family problems? Are you ready to serve her when you don’t want to? Are you ready to stay committed to the relationship even when your emotions are less strong? Are you ready and willing to do the hard work of a relationship? Or do you just want to be loved by someone else?
Do I Have a Pornography Problem?
If you habitually watch pornography*, you are not ready to date. You are not ready to be faithful to another person. This problem will not disappear. Marriage will not fix it. Watching pornography will deeply hurt the person whom you love most and least want to hurt. Take aggressive steps now to overcome, so you can be faithful to your future spouse (See resources, “How to Conquer Temptation”, “For Freedom”).
If you were addicted to pornography in the past, confess it to your partner at the appropriate time (i.e. close to engagement). Even though it was in the past, it will still deeply hurt them. Be prepared to love and support them as they process it. Don’t get defensive. It’s important to begin your marriage with complete honesty and trust by addressing the hard things. Everyone has a past, but praise Jesus, we are new creations with a bright future.
*Note: There is a big difference between occasionally giving into temptation and being stuck in the middle of a sin habit. If you still stumble occasionally, talk through it with a mentor. Do they think you’re ready for a relationship?
At the Beginning of the Relationship
Set Boundaries/Guardrails
Stop trying to get as close to sin as possible. Set your boundaries far from sin because you will cross them. It’s inevitable. If you build a guardrail on the edge of a cliff and you cross it, you die. There is no second chance. The relationship will be greatly (and sometimes irreversibly) damaged. If you build a guardrail ten meters from the edge of a cliff and you cross it, it’s not a big deal. Confess, repent, and take a step (or two) back across the guardrail, and recommit yourself to staying on the right side. You can recover from that.
But what if you and your partner have different boundaries? Always go with the “weaker” person aka the person with the stricter boundaries or stronger convictions. Never try to get them to compromise.
“The real issue is not that you need to think through your boundaries. The real issue is thinking through what you really want.” (Joy Schroeder)
Creating boundaries only works if your heart is in it. If not, you will find plenty of opportunities and excuses to break them.
Time and Place Boundaries
How much time together is too much?
As a dating couple, you will want to be together all the time, but you must limit your time together. You should not hang out just because you have nothing else to do. Stay intentional.
When you get married, you become one. While dating, you are not one yet. Live your own life. Allow your partner to live theirs.
Hanging out every day is probably too much; a couple of times per week is enough. If you hang out too much, your friendships and your personal life will suffer. Your relationship may begin to progress too fast–leading to codependence (needing each other) and fake intimacy. Or the relationship may stop growing altogether because you’ve stopped being intentional.
How do I know if we’re hanging out too much?
If you never miss each other, you’re hanging out too much (or maybe you don’t actually like them). If you often feel bored or don’t know what to do when you’re together, you’re hanging out too much. Your time together should be special, and you should look forward to it. Stay intentional.
When should we hang out?
Hanging out late at night is never a good idea. Pick a time (i.e. 9 pm), and don’t cross it. Tell somebody when you’re going on a date, so they can keep you accountable. It’s okay to hang out later if you’re with a group of friends, but be wise.
Where should we hang out?
Hang out in public places. Avoid private places where you know nobody will see you. Avoid places that lead to temptation.
Intimacy Boundaries
Physical Intimacy
Good marriages start as good friendships. Don’t rush physical intimacy. Decide at the beginning of the relationship what you will not do (i.e. no hands on places where the bathing suit covers, no kissing the neck, no lying down with one another or sitting on laps). In the moment, you won’t be thinking properly. You’re not hurting your relationship by not being physical. If your partner is upset at you for you’re not being physical enough, you shouldn’t be dating them. Hugging or kissing is not bad, but you must have boundaries. Don’t mistake physical intimacy for true intimacy. Once married, nobody ever regrets not going further before marriage, but many people regret going too far and doing too much.
Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is often overlooked and must not exceed the commitment level. Many couples reveal too much too soon. They share all their secrets, dreams, desires, and struggles. They think that being super open will create intimacy more quickly. It doesn’t. Share that stuff with your best (same-sex) friends, not your girlfriend. Your girlfriend should never know more about you than your best friend. If your boyfriend and your best friend are the same person, you’re too intimate.
If you reveal too much too soon, you achieve fake intimacy and become codependent. You begin to need each other too much emotionally, even though the commitment level is still relatively low at the dating level. You become vulnerable to a really bad breakup. False intimacy (created by being too vulnerable or physical) can prevent you from achieving true intimacy. Real intimacy requires real time.
Find an Accountability Partner
Pick a close (same-sex) friend you can trust, and give them permission to ask any question about the relationship at any time. Encourage them to ask what you did during the date. How late did you hang out? What did you do physically? Are you controlling lustful temptations? Are you honoring your girlfriend? An accountability partner helps you keep your boundaries, and they help you get back on the right side when you cross them. But remember, you are responsible for your purity–not them. Help them help you by continually reminding them that you need them to ask you the hard questions.
The longer sin survives in secret, the greater the shame.
During the Relationship
Always seek to honor and bless your partner above your own feelings and desires.
Friend Test
If you broke up today, would you feel ashamed or afraid to be around them (or their future partner)? If the answer is yes, you’re probably not treating them well, or you’re crossing too many boundaries. They should be thankful for their time dating you–not ashamed or regretful.
A Special Exhortation For Men
Never go into a relationship looking for what you can get out of it–especially physical satisfaction of any kind. Your primary goal should be to bless them. God placed man at the head of the family; that starts on the first date. If they leave the date feeling valued, honored, and blessed, you succeeded–even if you never see them again. The world speaks so many lies to women about their value and puts so much pressure on them to be beautiful by conforming to a certain image. They’re constantly mistreated, abused, devalued, and disrespected. Show her how valuable she is. Show her how she deserves to be treated. Honor and respect her the way the world (and maybe past relationships) never will. Set the standard–raise the bar–for how she deserves to be treated in the future, so that she will never settle for anything less than she deserves. Whether you go on one date or you get married, may she (and her future family) be thankful for having met you.
Child of God First
Remember that your first relationship with each other is that she is your sister or he is your brother in Christ. Even if you get married, he/she belongs to God first. That will never change. Don’t dishonor God by dishonoring His children.
Get To Know Each Other’s Friends
In a healthy relationship, you should get to know each other’s friends. Hang out with them together. You can learn a lot about somebody by seeing who they are friends with and how they act around them (and family too).
Listen to Your Friends
What do your friends think about your relationship? They are not blinded by their emotions. They can see problems you can’t see. If your friends don’t think that girl is a good match for you, she probably isn’t. Or if your boyfriend doesn’t like your friends and family, that’s a problem.
Sex and Marriage
What Is Marriage?
Oneness
“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2:24 NLT).
Equal Partnership
“So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).
Man and woman are both made equally in the image of God, but we reflect His image differently.
“The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18 NIV).
The Hebrew word for helper (ezer) is not that for a submissive servant. This word is often used in the Bible to describe the stronger party (i.e. a strong nation that comes to help Israel and even God Himself). Eden was not created to serve Adam. She was created to serve with Adam.
Gift
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 ESV).
Challenge
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT)
“What if god designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” (Gary Thomas).
Lifelong Covenant
“But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:6-9 NLT).
People create contracts for their own benefit. A contract is an agreement between two parties, and throughout the life of the contract, they remain as such–two distinct parties with separate interests and goals. Once the contractual relationship is no longer beneficial, it can be broken–often with a predetermined procedure or penalty for doing so. Contracts are self-seeking and temporary.
Jesus was not married to a woman, but he demonstrates to us every day what a covenant relationship looks like through His commitment to the Church–the body of Christ.
A wife’s sin and failures are no excuse for her husband's and vice versa. Within a covenant marriage, it doesn’t matter if your spouse fails to fulfill his or her commitment. Marriage is a covenant to fulfill your commitment–to love and to serve–regardless of how well your spouse fulfills theirs.
What About Sex?
Sex was created simultaneously with marriage. God’s intention for sex was for us to become co-creators with Him. He allows us to play a role in the creation of life, through which God promises to bless the nations.
Sex is like fire. When harnessed and used correctly, fire provides warmth and light. It's life-giving, but if you build a fire without proper containment, it'll burn your house down.
Sex outside of marriage will burn your house down. It leads to brokenness, not blessing.
The way you allow others to treat you sexually will either assert and protect your value or diminish it. The way you treat others sexually will either assert and protect their value or diminish it.
Sex Is a Gift and an Act of Service
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other…” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV).
When you marry somebody, you become one, and you surrender your body to them–only them. Sex within marriage is a way to love and serve one another. It’s a way to draw near to one another when emotional distance begins to creep in. It’s a way to strengthen and protect your union against the adversary and temptations of this world.
Sex is not a response to love. It’s a commitment to love. It’s an expression of true covenant relationship and must never be withheld as punishment or used as a tool for manipulation.
